Woe is me

Now, I’m not trying to get lots of sympathy here. I’m really not! I’d like to think the title of this post is really just full of sarcasm. The rest of the post is not.

I’ve been sick. First we thought it was asthma, then anxiety, then plantar fasciitis, lots of physical therapy (land and pool) but after years of not walking right, not walking up stairs and falling down, I finally went to a neurologist. I get my results from all my testing, supposedly, Monday, March 15, 2010.

I’m more than a bit nervous. Especially today after getting a call from the doctor’s asking if I want to come in TOMORROW and then getting mail form the office as well. Both turned out to be routine type things.

I hadn’t been thinking about March 15th for a while! Although, I KNOW my mom is. She’s praying for me. My mom’s cousin even took a photo of me to the laimas in India so they can pray for me. I’m sure many of my friends and family and even coworkers are all sending prayers in my direction. I’m honored and I thank everyone. Hey, it can’t hurt, right?

Now I’ve been obsessing for years on what MIGHT be wrong with me. Could be a pinched nerve or something like that, OR it could be ALS or MS. Now those last two frighten me. They make me have my life flash before my eyes. I don’t want to miss my kids growing up to be bright strong women and give me grandkids. I don’t want to leave my husband without his partner. I have SO MUCH that I want to accomplish as well. I’m not sure I can bear the news if it’s bad.

I am sick & tired of being sick & tired. I want to know. I need to know. I’m sick of people asking me if I’m pregnant because I’m gaining weight and I walk wobbly. I tired of falling down everywhere where I can’t get up and need strangers to help me get back up. I can’t take care of my house and my family the way I used to. I can’t even run after my 4 year old to play a game of chase.

So for the last 2 weeks, while I wait for this appointment on Monday, I try not to think about it. Or I joke about it. Granted, the meds help. I will take this time to NOT fret and to enjoy the next few days with my family. I will NOT be attached to any outcome.


6 thoughts on “Woe is me

  1. I’m thinking about you and sending positive and healing energy your way…here is a quote I like a lot…
    Committ to the process then release your attachment to the outcome…

    Keep me posted…we want our Joy back in yoga!!


  2. Dear Joy~
    I had no idea you were going through all this. I figured a trip to the neurologist meant Migraines, which I have and runs in the family. I know what it feels like to be down and out for months on end, I too had some medical issues in ’08 that had me on the couch for a year. Luckily, everything worked out.
    I too am sending my prayers your way. I can’t imagine the waiting for results. That must be the hardest part of all this. No matter what happens, I know your mother will be right by your side, along with Mike.
    You are such an energetic, optimistic and strong woman, so keep up the good thoughts for now, and know your family will support you.
    Love & Light~ Tracy

  3. Hi Joy,

    If there is a single person on this planet who knows how you feel you know that it is me. My entire life I spent afraid that I would be diagnosed with MS. My dad had it and iwas clumsy, had dizzy spells, etc.
    Then one day, the fear came true. It was devestating. My life was over. All downhill from here, right?
    Except, not. Since that time I have loved, laughed, procreated, lost, skydived, swam, drank, ate, slept, cruised, ran, walked, made beautiful wonderful friends, tauaght, learned and loved again, and again and again.
    Maybe my time is more limited than most. But i have only one me and whatever comes. Whatever the heartache, challange or setback. I am going to make the most of what I have.
    I told my students once: when you face your greatest fear, and you are still living, then you’ve won. Deal with step two tomorrow.
    Today you are still alive. You can hug your husband and your daughter. You can make someone else feel better about themselves.
    Carpe diem Joy! Love your family and your friends and carpe diem! That’s all any of us has.

  4. Joy – It’s kind of weird to find out about this upcoming appointment through a blog – but know that you are always on my mind and in my prayers. Hopefully the result will be a definite answer that will enable a definite plan with a complete cure. Please keep me posted about any any ways that I can help.

  5. So far the docs don’t know for sure but do believe it’s a motor neuron disease. I go tomorrow for more tests at the URMC.

  6. I have a clinical diagnosis of slow progressing ALS from the URMC. I’m still shocked although I knew it was this all along. Now I have a lot do take care of and get into order.

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