I wanna be pretty

That’s it. As my body slowly gives away…I want to remain as beautiful as I can. I want to keep getting my brows done, my legs waxed and my nails done. Maybe I’ll even have someone else dye my hair! I want to have nice clothes and shoes. I want to go in STYLE! Even though I don’t wear much make up now, I want someone to apply it every day when I no longer can. My Grandma Parker looked gorgeous in the nursing home. I want to wear all my jewelry — earrings, necklaces, bracelets & rings! Oh yeah & my sunglasses – new-style wayfarers and a pair of MDG!

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My First Buddhist Retreat – Day 3: 7-25-10

Sunday

Ugh — today is sooo sluggish. All I want is sleep! My roomies are early birds. They were up BEFORE the bell. (Bell rings at 6am – this time I actually heard the bell as I was already awake.)

We broke the rules by whispering in the kitchen. It’s a HUGE kitchen! We don’t know how all the things work in there!

It’s another rainy day. Which is fine by me. Yesterday was hot for that outdoor walking meditation. I’m going to skip it today. I kept falling asleep during meditation afterwards.

Now it’s sunny again. I got my stuff mostly packed. I planned on doing that at the 2pm walking meditation, but I want to get it all together while I’m still able to move around.

Almost time to head back up for teaching/meditation.

One thing I learned from last night, for sure, is Anam is just a guy. That’s it. Which is really all he is saying. “Hey, I’m just a guy – you can do this too!” That, to me, is more authentic than most of these folks here could ever dream of being.

Finished lunch — Pizza! O my god! These people know how to cook! Everything is just so delicious. I wish they could come home & cook all my meals!

This mornings teachings were spot on. He practically named me as someone who profoundly effected him this weekend! Someone who was dying told him they want to live the rest of their lives with awareness. Unless one of the other 3 people were dying, who else can it be? I made sure to listen & not fall asleep.

I just got yelled at for turning the lights on while I snapped a pic on my phone.

My space at Stillwood 1

My space at Stillwood 2

 

THESE WERE TAKEN WITH THE LIGHTS OFF

Well, gees, didn’t hear me complain when you guys woke me up so early. OK so clearly I have some more work to do here. Today is my last day.

This evening we’re having people “Take Refuge.” I think I will do it.

Look up book: Taming the Tiger Within by Thich Nat Hanh — great quotes about death – would like for funeral.

I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna vow to be one with the light  — oh wait — I don’t think I have that correct.  I’m taking refuge. Dedicating myself to moving ahead to find awareness & pass it on.

I did it! I vowed to practice non-violence, to be true to the dharma & commit to the sangha. Or… you should just probably read this Refuge in the Three Jewels. I cried during the ceremony. I opened my heart to let it all in.

This is the last night! I hope I get time to actually speak to some of these people. (Mostly ladies.)

I can’t stop coughing now. Great. The head lama (Ani Trime) just handed me a cough drop. It’s cherry. Bleh. I didn’t know those robes had pockets!

I finally asked about the Prayer Wheel! What a nice idea! Thanks, Larry for the talk!

Well that was pretty much it for my journal (Thanks, Lynne!) After the last meditation session we were all able to talk again so us weekenders could say our goodbyes. It was funny to be talking again and Wendi & I could finally hang out and chat. She stayed the whole week. Maybe next time I could too.

Everyone was so incredibly helpful. Sue brought my bags to my car. Larry had wrapped a gift for me to take back home. It was a beautiful Tibetan mat with with, I think, the silver plate and scissors used in the ceremony. Wendi walked me to my car. So nice and peaceful.

Of course then I made a wrong turn (it was dark when I left) and was lost for 30 mins in the dark forest. I stuck it together and did not panic. Finally I saw NEWARK! I knew I was safe. Who knew Newark was so big? I’d only been to Tom Wahl’s! Once I saw the Tom Wahl’s sign I knew I was on my way home.

So exhausted after a weekend of meditation!

My First Buddhist Retreat – Day 2: 7-24-10

Saturday

I’m starting to feel like the woman from Eat Pray Love. My inner dialogue is driving me CRAZY!

Just had dish duty. Yuk! I hate washing dishes. At least it was only breakfast. My new friend Wendi, has been helping me a lot. She used to watch Nik in the toddler room at church.

Got through a couple more hours of meditation. Anam is a funny guy.

Some thoughts have come up… If life & death are concepts — then what is the truth? (Reality?)

I don’t like to eat & be silent. Eating is for Community!

I’d like to know what the deal is with the prayer wheel.
– Can anyone spin it?
-What’s it for?

Boy it is hot in this sitting area…but cooler than outside.

Oh I don’t know how I’m gonna do this walking meditation at 2pm. I don’t know if it’s on the trails or what. I need an arm to do that.

How does Beth do it? She looks so happy. Beth is my other new friend who suddenly became paralyzed from the waist down. She’s in a wheelchair & she doesn’t let it stop her. I must keep in touch with her afterwards.

I wish I brought my camera. I guess it’s just as well. Keep me off my electronics.

OK walking meditation OVER. That was tricky — especially with all the obstacles on the floor. We went outside. I walked by the garden — just beautiful — recognized lots of plants & flowers, too. They arrange it all so nicely. I made a beeline right to the shade trees. I wonder if the bark was supposed to do that peeling? At least the walk was only 45 minutes. I wish it wasn’t so hot outside. Nice & cool in here in the meditation room. I could use a nap. I wonder when my brain will stop the crazy rambling?!

Oh my goodness — I fell asleep during this afternoon’s teaching/meditation! I then rested afterwards and almost missed the next session!

I got someone in my room now. Don’t know who they are but they took the box of tissues as her own! Grrr…

I guess I’ll see Anam. I can’t imagine what to say.

What a delicious dinner! Pesto & gazpacho! Yum! Kudos to Savory Thyme! Of course, I couldn’t help but think that lunch’s salsa became tonight’s soup! (Thanks, Micah!)

Looks like I’ll be meeting Anam tonight. What am I gonna say? I need guidance to see myself through this illness? I know I’m seeking guidnace — I’m not sure how to ask. Maybe they told him I’m dying. How to proceed…

Oh yeah — and I saw my awareness tonight during Anam’s guided meditation!

Well — I saw him… and … I CRIED. I could barely get it out… & I’m all runny nose, tears coming down — uh what a mess! Smart guy. He told me to turn that DESIRE to live to INTENTION to awareness & enlightenment. He says it’s there — it’s always there. Just need to accept it. Dive in. The body is just a guesthouse. Well, glad that’s over.

My First Buddhist Retreat – Day 1: 7-23-10

For my 40th birthday I decided to go on a retreat. I chose to try this: Residential Retreat
with Anam Thubten Rinpoche
put on locally by Rochester’s Dharmata Meditation Sangha. (Last year I saw Anam at the UU church and bought his book. Excellent read.) I wrote this entries the good old fashioned way — on a pad of paper with a PEN.

Friday

1/2 day maybe…

I’m staying in the Sewing Room. I feel a little bad that I’m all by myself, but also feel kinda relieved. I met a nice lady in a wheelchair named Beth. She seems to be taking me under her wing. I have alot of questions for her after this retreat! Luckily, she lives near me.  I’ve turned off my phone. No internet or TV. I brought my book of poetry by Rumi (thanks, Irene!). Right now it’s just me and caney. (My cane.)

This place has quite a history! Visit Stillwood Study Center for more info.

The Sewing Room is HUGE. I don’t know what or who uses this place for sewing. There’s also paper & art supplies. Cool.

Looks like I gotta wash & dry ther dishes as my yoga karma duty. Of course, right? (I hate washing dishes!)

I’m ready for a nap & I just got here!

Turns out I know some people here from church. Kinda cool. They are taking good care of me. Even JoEllen put in a good word for me to meet Anam! I don’t know what I’d even say to him.

I must be going to the meditation now.

That was fast! I didn’t know time could fly by so fast! Now it’s time for bed. Lights out &  NO MORE TALKING until I leave Sunday!